Meet the cookies that didn’t make the cut.

Even-Thinner Mints

So thin that they’re basically the Eucharist.

Tagalong. . . ifyouwants

Still peanut butter and chocolate, but incredibly bitter.

TruthCrisps

Fudge biscuits stamped with inspiring messages for young women, such as “We all hate it here” and “You have to decide if you want a child by thirty-five.”

Whoop-si-daisies

Crafted to replicate the burnt flavor of the snickerdoodle prepared by your teen-age babysitter, Kelly, who forgot that there was something in the oven because she was texting her boyfriend, Mark, who has a popular YouTube channel devoted to skateboarding tricks.

Pumpkin deLites

Actually named after the world-famous collector of Charles Manson memorabilia, Bill deLite.

Puber-teenees

A cookie that channels all of your adolescent rage. It jumps like the Kool-Aid Man into your mouth and gets stuck in your palate expander.

Bump ‘n’ Grinds

Like Do-si-dos, but sexier. Kelly and Mark eat these all the time.

Jumbo Samoas

Exactly like everyone’s favorite cookie, except oversized. Like, scary big. Serve one.

Girlboss-ios

A microaggression sandwiched between two shallow compliments.

Soft Yellows

Fluffy sugar cookies with a lemon-curd center. Inspired by the time you wet the bed at a sleepover and were too embarrassed to say anything about it, so you just lay in it all night. (Kelly never does this.)

Your-mom’s-the-tooth-fairys

Comes in a combo pack with Santa-is-Dads and Leprechauns-are-real-but-will-ruin-your-lifes.

Li’l Missys

In memoriam of your former best friend, Missy, who isn’t dead but who recently quit the Girl Scouts to join Becca’s dad’s indoor-soccer team.

The Thinnest Possible Mints

As thin as Kelly!

Buckle-ups

Baked in the iconic shape of a troop leader’s minivan, which somehow always smells like soup.

Double Stuf Trefoils

Still kinda boring, though.

Shoulder Taps

Spice cookies with rum flavoring. Because you’re not a fucking Brownie anymore.

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